Blue

What is blue?

To paraphrase Stuart Smalley, "blue" ain't just a river in Egypt.

Blue is a word comics use to describe material as offensive. It's also the name of a very good song by A Perfect Circle. But that's not what concerns me now.

I've always been fascinated by what can be considered blue. Obviously, bad language and sex jokes are blue. But it gets a great deal more complicated than that.

A couple of years ago, I was asked to help write a skit for the officers at my company to perform at the annual employee meeting. Cool! The meeting had a Western theme. Well, I'm a big fan of "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly," so I think I can handle that. But then came the big stipulation:

No profanity, sex, violence, guns or alcohol.

Really? You want me to write a Western without mentioning guns or alcohol? Can I have one of the characters be a gunfighter? No. A bartender? No -- it counts as an alcohol reference. Well, what other recognizable characters were there? Do you know any good blacksmith jokes?

A year or so later, I performed "If I Were the President" for my corporate talent show. Different people were in charge, and they weren't as strict. The song has one very mild sexual reference, the word "ass", and a fat joke. Still, they let me perform it.

Most people loved it, but I found out later that there were multiple people who were offended. Which line was the biggest culprit? It was when I suggested that JFK was assassinated by the CIA. This floored me. The guy died over 40 years ago. Haven't you gotten over it yet?

I have long been fascinated by what some people consider offensive. If you get a chance, check out Jerry Seinfeld's documentary, Comedian. In it, an up-and-coming comic named Orny Adams gets his big break to appear on late night network TV. He's prepared to do his signature bit, where he thinks he might have lupus. The same set he's done over and over again for years. But the network people ask him to change the joke from "lupus" to "psoriasis". Why? Because lupus is a serious medical condition, and somebody out there in TV land is suffering from it, and will be watching the show and get offended. It's not that the joke would violate any FCC regulation, it's just that they want the show to entertain, while generating the fewest possible complaints for the network.

You never know what's going to offend people. At a night club, you can be just about as raunchy as you want. Pretty much nobody goes out who's easily offended -- they know better. But when you have a corporate gig, your audience is at its place of employment. They have a right to go to work without being exposed to any kind of offensive material.

And that's why I'm writing this now. Matt and I (who together form the Fuzzy Carrot Nipples comedy-rock band) have gotten a corporate gig. We're going to be performing at USA Swimming's employee appreciation party. Now we've got to go through our songs and determine what's appropriate and what's not. He's already expressed concern over "President" because of the fat joke. (Although, we both think that the Colorado Springs crowd would be okay with joking about a dead liberal.)

I think it's important to write non-offensive material. Otherwise, you'll never be able to make it on TV, or hold a corporate gig. If you only do blue, then you may be a successful comic, but you really won't ever truly master entertainment -- there will be a huge population segment that you simply don't know how to entertain.

There's a club in Dallas that won't let you perform anything blue. It's called "Back Door Comedy". I performed there once, and had a great time doing Sgt. Hardwick. I like the idea that it's there, and I like to think of it as a training exercise.

For anyone concerned, my Western skit ended up involving a snake oil salesman, and it was moderately funny without being offensive to anyone (that I know of).

And if you haven't yet, pick up a copy of Thirteenth Step by A Perfect Circle. You'll love it, if you're not an uptight prick.